Hello! Least consistent blogger here.
I haven't posted anything since January, but today I'm going to ask you to be patient with me while I try to write about something that's really personal to me. This is the third time I've sat down and turned on my laptop with the idea of writing this blog post in mind. It is also the billionth time I've thought about doing so, always brushing it off. There is so much I want to say, so many words floating around in my head, that I'm definitely struggling to let it all out. I have always said that I never understand what's happening in my head until I put pen to paper because writing about something allows me to see it from a clearer perspective. In other words, writing about it makes it real, and I wasn't sure I was ready to see this come to life.
Am I ready now? To be fair, I don't think you're ever ready to do anything, but sometimes you just have to go ahead and do it anyway. The reason why I decided to sit down again today was because for the past couple of days, after a long while, I've started feeling a little bit more like myself - whatever that means. To be honest with you, I don't remember what I was like before I started worrying like crazy about every single thing that has ever happened to me or will happen to me in the future. I have always been a worrier, and as such, I am very familiar with the ways in which my body responds to stress or rough times. Over the years I've learned to anticipate it and deal with it before it's even happening. My body asks me to slow down and I have no other choice but to obey. The problem is that lately the over-worrying business has been taken to the extreme.
Although it's not exactly true, I feel like almost everything that could possibly go wrong with me has gone wrong over the past few months. After a while refusing to do it (because I'm FINE, mom, I've been sick for two months but IT'LL GO AWAY), I went to see my doctor. She decided to run a complete blood test, which came back clear. I am perfectly healthy. Then what on Earth is happening to me? Why do I feel ill all the time? Why do I keep feeling anxious that something's going to go wrong? Why am I so sleepy all day and then unable sleep at night? Why can't I just focus? Why am I so moody? Why am I so f!$/cking sad? Why does my body keep failing me? "That's just you being anxious. You're just nervous. That's caused by stress and over-worrying. You're okay. You just need to relax." That has been the answer to all of my questions lately. Then the doctor asked me if I was going through a rough time, if there was something going on causing me to be so stressed, and I lied to her and said that I was just worried about uni, which happens to be true right now but wasn't at the time. As far as stressful situations go, I was feeling perfectly fine. The semester had just finished, I'd passed everything with flying colors and I'd spent the previous months taking life easier than I ever thought I could. Or so I thought.
It is hard enough to deal with stress when you've got reasons to feel uneasy, but irrational worry is a whole different thing. It can't be stopped. It turns your life upside down. For someone who wants to do so much with her life, there have been days where even going to class has been difficult. Some days I literally have to remind myself, out loud, that I'm okay, just to make sure that my body won't freak out on me. I have pieces of paper with quotes on my wallet. I'm using meditation apps. I'm wearing a chakras bracelet when I haven't believed in these things since I was a kid. I am doing everything I can think of to make myself feel safe. It takes a lot of effort on my part, as well as an awful lot of herbal tea, and while I will gladly do whatever it takes as long as it's beneficial for me, it's something incredibly terrifying to think about in the long run. But as I said, things seem to be looking up now. I'm holding on to that instead - at least for now. I'll worry about the future when it becomes the present. One day at a time.
Hope you're all having a great March.
See you soon... maybe.
