Let's Chat: Final Year Worries

I had a cute little post scheduled for today, something about a coffee shop we found in the city last week, but I decided to leave that for some other day last minute. The reason? My mind's not really focusing on anything other than the fact that tomorrow marks the first day of my -hopefully- last year of university.

I've been at  university for three years now, as it's a four-year degree, and so far it's all been good. Most of the time I love what we're doing and it's only when we have too many tests to study for and too many papers to work on that I'm truly stressed and willing to drop out and join the circus or something (just kidding... but that would be pretty cool). I work hard, again, most of the time, and so passing all of my subjects and generally being what I guess you could call a successful student has not been that hard - especially last year. Surely there have been some difficult times, but in the end it's always been alright. So why am I so afraid of this new school year?

The answer is very simple: it's my last. I'm not nearly as scared about this year as I am about what's going to come next. I have always known I wanted to go to university, even before I even knew what university really was or what I wanted to study, but I have never been certain of anything beyond that. This is as far as my life plan goes. It's not that I don't have dreams or goals - I definitely do. There are many things that I want to do, and they are all so different that I'm just really scared of having to choose. Of choosing the wrong thing. Of chasing two rabbits and catching neither. Of what comes next.

On a lighter note, I'm really excited to go back this year. I want to see everyone and see what my new classes are all about and all that, so I'm pretty sure once tomorrow comes and things go back to normal I'll feel a lot better about it. For now, though, I just wanted to be honest, both with you reading this and, most importantly, with myself. I'm scared and that's okay. Now let's beat this year's ass. ;)

Tania x

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Romantically Challenged

"Good Lord, he broke all my shields..."

A long time ago, in a faraway land, there was a girl whose little teen heart got broken. Same old story, right? She had been getting her hopes up about something that was going nowhere, but she did not know that at the time. Or maybe she didn't want to. She believed, and wished with all she had, that things would work out in the end. But they didn't. And soon enough she found herself lost, lonely and empty as she could be.

That girl has since then done a lot of growing up. She's learned, without even wanting to, to not trust and give her heart away to the wrong people. The problem is that it's hard to draw a line between wrong and right. Real life villains don't wear black cloaks or carry around dangerous weapons. Nobody warns you beforehand that they might break you if you let them. That's exactly why some people build walls around themselves: you never know who wants to be let in for all the good reasons and who will shoot you straight through the heart as soon as they have the chance. I built the thickest wall around my own heart and, apparently, my ability to get attached to people as well. It was unconsciously that I did so and for a long time I didn't know it was there. I got so used to it that I thought it was normal - you know, just good ol' me being cautious.

All that leads me directly to my next and main point: that wall might be the reason why it really takes a lot for me to like somebody in a serious way. Surely I have lots of "crushes" (I do take the public transport every day and the Train Crush is definitely a thing), but getting to me is not the easiest thing. I want to make clear that it does not mean, in any way or form, that I play hard to get - I absolutely, 100% don't. I am so extremely cautious with people and I tend to overthink and over-worry so much that it is just difficult. But as some may or may not know, the last few months of 2013 were not exactly the highlight of my existence, and so when this new year started I decided to let myself go a little bit, have more fun, stop worrying so damn much. And somewhere along the line I let my guard down.

Very often people don't need to do anything special to get to us. No, not even to my kind. Sometimes it's just what they laugh about, what you hear them say, their bad puns or just the way they seem to be around people. It really does not take much more than that and then - boom, you're doomed. Sometimes you just know the moment you see them. Sometimes it's a progressive realization. And sometimes it just hits you, at the most random times, and you understand that you've known all along. (The next step is telling your friends, who will probably go wait-what on you because you've kept your cool for a few weeks before being really sure of what's happening. Because let's face it, it is happening.)

In the words of Mhairi McFarlane in one of my favourite books I've read this year, You Had Me at Hello...

So there you go. My first serious, oh-god-he's-looked-at-me-I'm-blushing kind of crush in about three years. I wrote most of this post over a month ago and I still feel pretty much the same about it, except that with each passing day I feel a bit more pathetic. I'm starting to think that in some ways I am more attracted to the idea of being able to like someone than I am to the guy himself - but then again, that may just be the passing of time working its magic. I guess we'll never know. At the end of the day, it all comes down to the same thing. You fall, you don't have the guts to speak up and suddenly there's no "right time" because there is no time at all. 

Tania x

 @taniagatz

It's 2 am

It's 2 am and it's my last day as a third year student. It's 2 am and I'm frustrated that my grades are not higher, even though they've improved massively this year. It's 2 am and I'm writing an academic paper due Sunday, even though I said I wouldn't leave it to the last minute. It's 2 am and I feel pretty with my messy ponytail and old pyjamas on, even though I usually hate the way I look when I'm at home. It's 2 am and I'm eating chocolate, even though I said I would try and eat ealthy. It's 2 am and I miss people, even though I said I would just move on and let it go. It's 2 am and I wish I had the guts to talk to the people I miss, but I simply don't. It's 2 am and I know I'm overly emotional, happy, frustrated, proud, terrified, cheesy at times, enthusiastic, childish and a control freak, all at once, and I'm okay with it.

It's 2 am and I'm flawed. And that's alright.

Frozen Themed Easter

 While my week of holidays was pretty much awful due to a number of factors and I could not wait to be back in class, I will remember these past couple of days as the weekend that was filled with joy, family, happy tears, forgiveness and being reunited with old friends. I cannot even begin to describe how good it feels to finally let some things go (no Frozen pun intended) and just do whatever you feel is right. Life's too short to live with a heart full of regrets and hard feelings.

Now I can't wait for my little cousins to get home and see the cake my lovely mum baked. Like every other kid -and possibly adult- in the world, they're obsessed with Frozen, so I can't think of a better way to end Easter than with Olaf. And lots of warm hugs.  

I hope you all had the loveliest weekend. :) ♥

Tania x 

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